If you’re tired of going on first dates that feel more like job interviews or wasting time with people who “aren’t looking for anything serious” (but somehow still act like your partner for three months), this one’s for you.
Dating doesn’t have to feel like chaos. But to stop attracting the wrong people, you have to stop dating in the wrong way.
Whether you’re actively looking for a long-term relationship or just sick of emotionally unavailable situationships, this is your reminder: you’re allowed to date like you mean it. You’re also allowed to expect the same energy in return.
Step 1: Be honest with yourself first
Let’s be real — sometimes we say we want a relationship, but deep down, we’re not actually ready for one.
We might still be hung up on someone, burned out from past heartbreak, or just craving validation rather than connection. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you need a pause, not a partner.
Before you go looking for “your person,” ask yourself:
-
Do I like myself enough to be alone without settling?
-
Am I looking for love or for someone to make me feel better about myself?
-
What does a relationship mean to me — and what kind of partner do I want to be?
Once you’re honest with yourself, it becomes so much easier to be honest with others. No more mixed signals. No more “seeing where it goes” when you know exactly where you want to go.
Step 2: Stop performing, start connecting
There’s a big difference between attracting someone and impressing them.
When we try to win someone over by being our most filtered, agreeable, perfect selves, we might get attention — but we don’t build connection. That’s what makes dating feel exhausting: performing all the time.
Try this instead:
-
Don’t oversell yourself. Show up as the real you, quirks and all.
-
If something’s a dealbreaker, don’t hide it to seem “easygoing.”
-
Remember: someone liking you isn’t a win unless you like them too.
When you stop trying to be what people want, you give the right people a chance to actually see you — and the wrong ones a chance to leave early. Win-win!
Step 3: Only invest in people who invest back
So many of us have been raised to believe that relationships are about “trying harder.” But if you’re the only one trying, it’s not a relationship — it’s a performance.
Healthy dating is reciprocal. It flows. It builds over time. If someone’s effort starts strong and then fades, pay attention. People reveal their consistency through their actions, not their charm.
Ask yourself:
-
Do they make space for me in their life — or just drop in when it suits them?
-
Do I feel secure with them — or constantly unsure where I stand?
-
Am I chasing potential — or enjoying reality?
There’s a difference between giving people grace and giving them unlimited chances. Boundaries aren’t rude — they’re respectful, to yourself and to them.
Step 4: Emotional maturity > surface compatibility
Yes, shared hobbies and physical attraction are great. But they won’t carry you through a rough patch. Emotional maturity will.
Look for someone who:
-
Can communicate openly, even when it’s uncomfortable.
-
Can apologise without deflecting or blaming.
-
Knows how to regulate their own emotions (and doesn’t expect you to do it for them).
This is the stuff that makes relationships last — not matching star signs or loving the same Netflix shows.
Step 5: Don’t wait to be chosen — choose
One of the biggest mindset shifts in dating is this: you’re not trying to win anyone over. You’re choosing a partner just as much as they’re choosing you.
That means you can:
-
Say no to dates that don’t excite you.
-
Stop texting people who breadcrumb you.
-
Leave when your gut tells you it’s not right — even if they’re “nice.”
Dating is not about proving you’re worthy. It’s about seeing if you’re compatible. Compatibility means shared values, emotional safety, and mutual care — not just vibes and banter.
Final Thoughts: You’re allowed to want more
You’re not “too much” for wanting clarity. You’re not “demanding” for expecting effort. You’re not “closed off” for protecting your peace.
You’re allowed to want a real connection. And the right person won’t be scared off by that — they’ll be relieved to meet someone who wants the same.
So if you want a quality, long-term relationship? Start dating like it. That’s where everything changes.