Struggling to Understand Flirting? Here’s How to Get Better at It 😉

by Steve February 28th, 2025

Flirting can feel like an impossible skill to master. You think someone’s interested, but they were just being friendly. Or worse, you realise after the fact that someone was flirting with you, and you completely missed your chance. It’s frustrating, but remember that flirting is a skill, and just like any skill – you can improve at it.

The biggest reason people struggle with flirting is that most of it isn’t verbal – it’s body language, subtle gestures, and micro-expressions. If you’re waiting for someone to walk up and explicitly say, “I’m flirting with you now,” you’ll be waiting forever. Instead, you need to learn how to spot interest, test it, and respond confidently.

How Guys and Girls Flirt Differently

One of the main reasons flirting is confusing is that men and women (or people with more traditionally masculine or feminine flirting styles) tend to approach it differently.

Girls are usually more covert – they flirt subtly. They might hold eye contact for an extra second, smile and look away, or find small excuses to be near you. Some play with their hair, some fidget with their jewelry, and others might lightly touch your arm when they laugh. It’s all low-key, designed to invite you to make a move rather than directly initiating.

Guys, on the other hand, are typically more overt. They tend to flirt by playfully teasing, making bolder eye contact, or showing off a little, whether that’s telling a funny story, cracking a joke, or finding an excuse to impress. They might stand taller, use bigger gestures, or find reasons to get physically closer.

Of course, this isn’t a strict rule – people flirt in different ways. But if you struggle to read signals, understanding these general tendencies can help you notice what you might otherwise overlook.

The Power of IOIs (Indicators of Interest)

A lot of hesitation around flirting comes from one simple problem: not knowing for sure if someone is interested. The best way to get past that uncertainty is to use an IOI to get a response. A small, playful action that requires them to either show interest or disengage.

An IOI is a simple way to test attraction. For example:

Prolonged eye contact – Hold their gaze just a second longer than usual. If they hold it too or smile, that’s a green light. If they look away quickly and don’t look back, probably not.
The wave or toast trick – If you’re across the room, raise your glass slightly in their direction or give a small wave. If they smile or return the gesture, that’s an invitation to approach.
Light touch – A quick touch on the arm during a laugh or a moment of emphasis in conversation. If they lean in or touch you back, that’s a good sign.
Moving closer – If you take a step closer during a conversation and they maintain the space or lean in, they’re comfortable with you. If they step back, they probably need more space.
The compliment test – Give a genuine but casual compliment (“That color looks great on you”). If they light up and keep the conversation going, they’re probably into it. If they just say “thanks” and move on, not so much.

These small actions make flirting active rather than just guessing and overthinking.

Getting Comfortable with Flirting

Flirting doesn’t have to be complicated or feel like a high-stakes performance. In fact, the best flirting is light, playful, and natural. The key is to practice small interactions often, so when you’re actually interested in someone, it doesn’t feel like a big, nerve-wracking event.

A great way to improve is by flirting without expectation – practice making small, playful interactions with strangers or acquaintances in your daily life. Compliment the barista’s energy, joke with the person in front of you in line, or hold eye contact a little longer than usual in conversation. By doing this, you’ll get used to the natural back-and-forth of flirting without putting pressure on any one interaction.

Confidence also comes from learning to enjoy the process rather than obsessing over the outcome. If you see flirting as something fun instead of a test you can pass or fail, it removes a lot of the fear. You don’t have to be perfect, just present and engaged.

Overcoming the Fear of Rejection

A major roadblock to flirting is the fear of rejection. Nobody likes the feeling of putting themselves out there and not getting a positive response. But here’s the thing-rejection isn’t about you being unworthy, it’s about compatibility.

Not every person will be interested, and that’s completely normal. If someone doesn’t respond to your flirting, it doesn’t mean you were “bad” at it, it just means they weren’t the right match. And that’s actually a good thing, because it means you’re one step closer to meeting someone who is.

The more you practice putting yourself out there, the easier it gets to brush off the “nos” and move on. The people who succeed at flirting aren’t the ones who never get rejected, they’re the ones who don’t let rejection stop them from trying again.

How to Start Flirting Today

If you want to improve your flirting skills, start small and build confidence over time. Here are a few things you can do right away:

Notice body language more often – Start paying attention to how people express interest in social settings. The more you observe, the better you’ll get at recognising real signals.
Use an IOI – Try holding eye contact longer, giving a quick wave, or throwing in a casual compliment and seeing how they react.
Flirt in low-stakes situations – Practice playfully engaging with strangers in everyday interactions. This will make flirting feel more natural when it really matters.
Mirror their energy – If someone is being playful and teasing, match that vibe. If they’re more reserved, keep things warm but subtle.
Reframe rejection – The next time someone doesn’t respond to your flirting, remind yourself that it’s not personal, just a sign they weren’t the right fit.